04 Sep 2019

BY: Pare

Couples Communication / Couples Counseling

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Cheat Sheet for Healthy Conflict Resolution

Pare’s Rules of Engagement

How to Have  Healthy Conflict Resolution

If someone offered you a map to a  hidden treasure , you would take it!  That’s how passionately I feel about practicing the rules of engagement for your next conflict.

Conflict is healthy, conflict is natural, conflict builds intimacy. If your spouse refuses or is resistant to making these healthier changes, you might want to assess the health of your relationship and your partner. Abusive (verbally, emotionally, psychologically) relationships often rarely have the Do’s and often have the Don’ts.

Do

• Set the Tone (sitting knee to knee or an a non intimidating way)
• No distractions (TV off, kids not in the room)
• It’s all about the approach (bring up concern not complaint)
• The three F’s (Fact, Feeling, Fair request)
• Reflection Reflection Reflection (Do Not move forward if this is not completed)
o Reflection is not agreement just simply saying I hear you and this is your truth
• Give check out (yes if they heard correctly, no if they assumed or added their interpretation)
• Listener offers validation if they would like to
• Listener asks for clarification if needed
• Work as THE SAME TEAM, offering support and guidance throughout the conversation
• Brainstorm ideas for the future
• Agree or sometimes agree to “disagree” but to understand and respect the other person
• Thank the other person for taking the time to listen

Don’t

• Say always and never
• Use deflections (get off topic, bring up your own concerns)
• Name call
• Take “hits” on the other persons character or “person” keep concerns to behaviors not to the person example. (I’m concerned that you do not share with me when big plans change.” Vs. I’m concerned that you are selfish and only care if change in plans affect you.
• Get the kids involved or others (everyone says this, thinks this about you)
• Talk when under the influence of anything! Risky business.
• Talk when either party is hungry or tired
• Do not engage over text messages
• Bring up several issues at a time
• Keep score (I did this because you do this)
• Use dismissive body language (roll eyes, smirk, laugh)
• Raise voice or tone

Do you feel like you could be in an unhealthy  relationship, here is a quick non clinical assessment  to take.

17 Sep 2018

BY: Anna Taylor

Couples Communication / Couples Counseling

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Is “Agreeing to Disagree” Causing a Communication Breakdown?”

Why don’t I feel good after we “agree to disagree?”

Many times when individuals come into couples counseling, I hear the dreaded well, “ we will just have to agree to disagree.” The only problem with this is that it is said with disappointment and contempt. Stop throwing in the “agree to disagree towel” Read More “Is “Agreeing to Disagree” Causing a Communication Breakdown?””

31 Aug 2018

BY: Pare

Couples Counseling

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Read This Before You Give Up On Your Marriage

Is your marriage worth saving? Many times couples or individuals come into counseling with this very question at hand. Looking straight at me, hoping I will provide them with a definite and concrete answer of yes or no. Often these same individuals have been contemplating each scenario over and over for years. Here is the answer to the question… Read More “Read This Before You Give Up On Your Marriage”